–Stormwind – November 25, 2008– King Varian Wrynn has recently met together with King Magni Bronzebeard, Tyrande Whisperwind – High Priestess of Elune, Prophet Velen the Divine, and High Tinker Gelbin Mekkatorque to discuss sweeping legislation that would provide new benefits for many of Azeroth’s would-be heroes. The Heroes With No Abilities Act. HWNAA is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of raiders who lack any real skills or ambition.
Those who fall in this classification of the non-skilled and unambitious are often referred to as the Inept, the Unskilled, or Perfect Example of Noobs (PEoNs). “Roughly 60 percent of raiders do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in fighting the Scourge,” said Whisperwind. “We can no longer stand by and allow PEoNs to be ridiculed and passed over by the raiding guilds. With this legislation, guild leaders will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of raiders, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing.”
In a Stormwind press conference, High Tinker Gelbin Mekkatorque in a squeaky voice pointed to the success of the Alliance Postal Service (APS), which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. “In recent months, the APS was able to increase their support of PEoNs [Perfect Example of Noobs] by hiring nearly 100,000 unqualified employees, a near 30% increase to their workforce. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest Azerothian employer of PEoNs. We have made great progress in many areas, but we have yet to quell the discrimination found so predominantly amongst the raiding guilds,” said Mekkatorque, “This official decree will be a giant step in ending that discrimination.”
Earlier this year many Azerothians were outraged by the declining quality and service of the APS. “I’ve always relied on the APS to deliver my mail in a timely fashion, but now they hired all of those PEoNs, they have really gone downhill! I could probably deliver it faster in person!” scoffed Gramma Stonefield of Goldshire, “In my day, we didn’t brook such nonsense. Either you could do the job or you couldn’t. Now we have to cater to these lazy ragamuffins.” William Pestle, also of Goldshire, said “It used to feel like it took no time to get my mail and now it feels like it takes infinitely* longer than it used to.”
Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the Inept include retail sales (78%), the flight industry (68%), and the Auction Houses (65%). At the independent faction level, most factions have also had an excellent record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%). Gzhun’tt of Sporregar in Zangarmarsh, Outland says, “We’ve made it a habit of employing so many PEoNs that we have had to reach out to complete strangers for help. Now that we’re friends, it’s worked out wonderfully!
Under The Heroes With No Abilities Act (HWNNA), more than 4 million ‘casual raider’ positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance. This in turn will create more stable guilds and ultimately allow more heroes to help continue the fight against the Scourge.
HWNAA also requires mandatory non-performance-based loot rewards to be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable raiders. The legislation provides substantial Guild Bank slot discounts to guilds that promote a significant number of PEoNs into middle and upper-management positions, and gives a subsidized repair credit to small and medium-sized guilds that agree to employee one clueless raider for every two talented raiders.
Finally, the HWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory application questions such as, ‘What is your raiding experience?’ as well as prohibiting guild recruiters from banning those in PvP gear.
“As one of the Inept, I can’t be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,” said Gertz Gearheart, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the research and design plant in Gnomeragan before the fall, due to her inability to remember ‘righty tighty, lefty loosey.’ “This new law should be real good for people like me,” Gertz added. With the announcement of this decree, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. One prays that the light isn’t some new-fangled, dangerous Gnomish invention headed right for them at speeds only a Gnome could appreciate.
At a recent PEoN rally in Goldshire, a member of a prominent raiding guild on condition of anonymity said, “As a raider with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that the hardcore raiders enjoy ought to be extended to every raider with no abilities. Although I can’t cook my own food, make my own elixirs, or even fund my own repairs, I have the desire like all other raiders to be a part in fighting the Scourge and the Lich King! It is our right** as PEoNs to participate and contribute, regardless of our inadequacies, with some sort of place to take up in raids and an equal chance at phat lootz for doing so!”
* Given that it used to be near instantaneous (zero seconds) delivery, increasing the time to an hour makes it infinite. For you math geeks, OK it isn’t exactly the right description, but I did say “near instantaneous”.
** Evidently because they pay the same monthly fees the rest of us do.
***Special Thanks to my friend Sollenni for coming up with Perfect Example of Noobs (PEoNs).